Why You Need to Be Flexible with Emotion Regulation

Guest post by psychotherapist Dr. Selda Koydemir on building the right strategy toolbox for your emotional health

This week, I’m featuring an article from Dr. Selda Koydemir, who writes the excellent Modern Virtue newsletter.

Dr. Koydemir holds a PhD in counselling psychology and has held positions at universities in the UK, Turkey, Germany, the US, and Cyprus. She runs a psychotherapy practice in London, serves as an adjunct professor at the University of Bamberg, coaches leaders, and consults with startups, tech companies, digital agencies, and the UK government on human-computer interaction projects.

This article is all about the importance of flexibility in choosing how to deal with negative emotions. If you’re a fan of nuanced perspectives and practical insights, you will love reading this. Learn which emotion regulation strategies are effective based on scientific research, when it’s best to use each of them, and how each of them can benefit your mental health.

I’ll add some final thoughts on emotion regulation at the end. In the meantime, please enjoy this article, and join thousands of other Modern Virtue subscribers to avoid missing out on Dr. Koydemir’s future posts.

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A few weeks ago, I was waiting at my favorite coffee shop, already running late for a meeting. The person ahead of me was treating the menu like it was the most critical decision of their life, and I could feel my frustration building. It wasn’t a huge deal, but I was anxious. After all, punctuality is my love language, and I don’t like being late.

I knew I needed to manage my emotions. I had a few options. I could sigh dramatically, pull out my phone to distract myself, or take a few deep breaths to calm down. Or maybe I could use the waiting time to plan my day. In the end, I chose distraction and started checking the news.

Everyday life is full of moments where we try to manage how we feel. We get anxious before a big presentation, worried when our kid doesn’t text back, or frustrated when things don’t go as planned. Whether intense or mild, emotions are inevitable, but how we regulate them can have a big impact on our mental health.

Think of emotion regulation as a conductor leading an orchestra. You can decide when to bring certain instruments into the spotlight or let them fade into the background. It’s all about choosing how much attention to give your emotions and when to let them take centre stage.

We regulate emotions all the time, often without even realising it. Maybe you hold back from sending an angry email until you've cooled off, or when a friend shares great news, you push aside your worries to celebrate with them. Stuck in traffic? You might vent to someone on the phone, listen to your favourite song, or remind yourself it’ll pass.

Our ability to regulate emotions is key to our mental health. It influences many aspects of wellbeing—from anxiety and depression to life satisfaction, relationships, physical health, and even performance at work.

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But which strategy works best? You've probably heard that accepting your feelings or putting a positive spin on things are healthy ways to regulate emotions, while avoiding or suppressing them isn’t. While there's some truth to that, the reality is more nuanced. Emotion regulation isn’t black and white—it's full of shades.

In other words, it’s not about having a go-to method for every scenario but rather about adapting to the context—who’s involved, how much you can change the situation, how intense your feelings are, and what you want to achieve. For example, at work, you might need to suppress frustration to stay professional and focused, but with friends, talking through your feelings might be the better option. Different emotions and situations need different approaches. The key is being able to access various strategies, assess whether they’re effective, and modify if needed.

It’s like switching gears when driving—you need to assess the road conditions, choose the right gear, and adjust your speed accordingly.

In the last semester, while prepping to teach my Positive Psychology class at the University of Bamberg, I got deep into the research on emotion regulation flexibility. I’d love to share some of the insights with you, along with tips on how you can become more flexible in managing your emotions.

Which emotion regulation strategy works when?

There are many emotion regulation strategies, but let’s focus on three commonly used ones. Each has its time and place, and knowing when to use them is key.

Cognitive reappraisal

Think of this strategy as putting on a new pair of glasses to get a different perspective. It’s about shifting how you think about a situation to change how you feel. Take the example of standing in line for coffee. You might see it as a chance to plan your day or enjoy a brief moment of calm. This is cognitive reappraisal in action—reframing the situation to change its emotional impact.

Although it’s generally one of the most effective strategies, scientific evidence points out that it tends to work best when we’re dealing with situations we can’t change. For example, if your train is cancelled and you’re stuck waiting, reappraising the situation by seeing it as extra time to relax or catch up on emails can reduce stress. When you can influence a situation—like handling a frustrating colleague—reappraising can sometimes make things worse by delaying necessary action.

Takeaway: Use cognitive reappraisal in situations where you truly can’t change the outcome. But in situations where action is possible, like conflicts at work or issues with your partner, be more proactive and focus on solving the problem, rather than reframing the situation.

Emotion Suppression

Emotion suppression often gets a bad rap, and for good reason. Habitual suppression can lead to long-term mental health problems. But in some cases, it’s an effective tool.

Research shows that suppressing emotions on particularly rough days—when you're hit with multiple stressors—can actually help you cope. By holding back overwhelming emotions, you may feel more in control and able to get through the day. In social contexts, it can even prevent unnecessary conflict, such as when you choose to suppress frustration during a tense work meeting.

Our goals can also influence whether suppression is the right choice. If you want to avoid conflict, research suggests that temporarily suppressing your emotions might be wise. For instance, during a heated conversation, you might hold back feelings of frustration, planning to revisit the issue when you're calmer.

Suppression isn’t inherently negative; it can be a useful strategy in specific contexts, particularly when emotions are intense and immediate expression might lead to more harm than good. It’s especially beneficial when your goal is to avoid conflict or maintain harmony in the moment. However, be mindful not to rely on suppression as a long-term solution, as it can lead to unresolved feelings and long-term mental health challenges.

Takeaway: Suppression isn’t inherently bad, but don’t rely on it as a long-term solution. It can be useful in specific contexts, especially when emotions are intense and immediate expression isn’t helpful. It can also be helpful when your goal is to avoid conflict or maintain harmony in the moment.

Distraction

Distraction is another common strategy we use to manage unpleasant emotions. Whether it’s watching a funny video, throwing yourself into work, or going for a walk, distraction helps us step away from negative feelings for a while.

Research suggests that distraction can be particularly helpful when emotions are running high. It provides short-term relief by giving us space to cool down. In these moments, engaging with the emotion—like ruminating or fixating on the situation—can increase our distress. Interestingly, distraction proves even more beneficial when we’re facing events beyond our control.

A word of caution. While distraction can be a great way to manage tough emotions, relying on it too much can backfire. If you keep avoiding your feelings instead of dealing with them, it can lead to bigger issues like increased anxiety and depression.

Takeaway: Distraction can be an effective tool for managing difficult and intense emotions, offering immediate relief. It’s also useful when the situation feels uncontrollable. But if it's your go-to strategy in every emotional situation, you might be missing out on growth opportunities and risk long-term emotional difficulties.

How about utilising a variety of strategies?

There’s more to flexibility than just picking the right strategy—having a wider repertoire of strategies can also boost well-being. Research shows that the more tools you have, the better you can handle life’s emotional twists and turns.

So don’t be afraid to occasionally use strategies like suppression or distraction if the situation calls for it. Even those labeled as “maladaptive” can be useful in the right moment. The trick is knowing when to pull out each tool and being open to switching things up as needed.

Tips for becoming more flexible in regulating our emotions

1. Build a strategy toolbox, not just a single tool.

Think of emotion regulation strategies as a diverse set of tools in a toolbox. The more tools you have, the more options you’ll have when challenges pop up. But the real skill comes in picking the right tool at the right time.

2. Move away from rigidly using one strategy.

Rigidity is often the enemy of wellbeing. If we rely too heavily on one emotion regulation strategy and ignore others, we lose the flexibility to find the best approach for each situation. Pay attention to the strategies you tend to use and consider whether they’re always the best fit. You might find that a bit more flexibility—and trying something new—can make a big difference.

3. Watch out for "habitual" use.

Emotion regulation strategies can become habits, and relying too much on any one can backfire. For example, constantly suppressing emotions might lead to bottled-up stress, while always distracting yourself could keep you from dealing with underlying issues. So, be mindful of your emotional habits and ensure you’re not leaning too heavily on just one strategy.

4. Assess your situation before you make a choice.

If you have the time and space, take a moment to evaluate the context. Is this a situation you can change? How intense is the emotion? What’s at stake? What’s your goal? By considering these factors, you can pick the most effective strategy for the moment and adjust if needed.

5. Allow space for reflection after intense emotions.

After a heated argument or stressful day, take the time to reflect on how you managed your emotions. What went well? What could you have done differently? This kind of reflection is key to becoming more flexible in the future.

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So, how flexible are you in managing your emotions?

Here are some questions for you to reflect on your own emotion regulation:

• Which strategies do I use in which situations?

• Do I adapt my approach based on the situation?

• Do I know which strategies work best for me depending on the context?

• Can I regulate intense emotions effectively?

• Do I have a variety of strategies to choose from?

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned throughout my long career as a researcher and practitioner is that flexibility is the cornerstone of living a good life. I wish someone taught me that when I was younger. Why? Because the world is full of unpredictability. We constantly face challenges. Emotions can get quite messy. And all of this requires adaptability.

Just like you wouldn’t wear the same shoes for every occasion, not every emotion or situation calls for the same response. Sometimes you need sturdy boots for a challenging hike, and other times, sandals for a leisurely stroll. And just as easily, you might start with one and find yourself needing the other.

What’s your go-to strategy when emotions run high, and how has it worked for you? I’d love to hear your experiences!

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Final comments from Erman

Hope you enjoyed this guest post as much as I did!

Reading Dr. Koydemir’s article helped me to realize some of my own personal biases with emotion regulation. My go-to strategy for managing negative emotions these days is cognitive reappraisal or mindfulness, and I find these strategies usually work well for me. A recent meta-analysis I wrote about also suggests these two strategies are particularly effective when comparing emotion regulation strategies at a general level.

Growing up, I had some bad experiences with emotion suppression and ultimately ended up rejecting it as a functional strategy. But instead of concluding that it never works, I should have noticed that I was over-applying it and using it in the wrong contexts. Even if suppression shouldn’t be your go-to strategy in many contexts, Dr. Koydemir gives some great examples of specific contexts when it may be your best available strategy.

It’s all about selecting the right strategy at the right time for the right reasons. Build your own emotional health toolbox, and test each tool across the various challenges in your life. A tool that works well for you in one context might be too blunt for someone else in the same context. So run your own daily experiments and personalize your toolbox to fit your life. Nobody else can do it for you.

As I said at the top, please subscribe to Modern Virtue if you want to read more from Dr. Selda Koydemir. Her other posts are just as insightful, practical, and enjoyable as this one.