The Grass Isn't Always Greener
The ultimate fight: Happiness vs Adaptation
Our brains are great at adapting to new environments, but it comes at a price: We quickly adapt to the new joys in our lives. Adaptation is a huge advantage when we jump into a scary challenge, because we learn to live with our fear and ultimately reduce our levels of discomfort. But when we’ve landed an amazing new job, or bought our dream home, we’re also quick to take it for granted. Fortunately, with some careful attention, we can learn to appreciate the good things as much as we did on Day 1.
My sushi adventures
There’s no better example of adaptation in my own life than my relationship with sushi. The old me hated the idea of raw fish on a lump of rice: Everything from the visualized cold texture to the uncooked taste was a huge turnoff. So I went without it for years despite the continued protests of my friends. Eventually though, I gave in and decided to try it when I was feeling brave one day. The first attempt confirmed my dreaded expectations, and I decided I wouldn’t eat it again. But another adventurous day came and I tried a second time. And then a third time. And now, sushi is the meal I look forward to most.
My sushi story is expectation and adaptation in action. Expectations feed into your judgments of an event just like the actual event itself does. The same experience—eating raw fish for example—can change dramatically depending on what you expect from it. When you feel anxious about a new behavior, that anxiety plays into your sensations as you engage with the behavior, and then affects how you rate the behavior afterwards. But as you continue the experience, your expectations begin to adapt. With each fresh attempt, you can go from “at least it didn’t kill me” to “well, that wasn’t so bad” to “actually, I quite enjoyed that”, all because you learn to adjust your expectations from looking for the worst features of the behavior to looking for the best.
These adaptation principles apply to practically everything. For example, when you repeatedly see the same person’s face, the parts of your brain involved in processing facial identity gradually respond less to each sighting. When you repeatedly see the same emotional expression on a face, the parts of your brain involved in processing emotion respond less each time. For better or worse, old events just aren’t as thrilling as new events, and your brain responds accordingly. But how can we avoid taking the best parts of our lives for granted?
The art of finding gratitude
Here are three ways to adjust your expectations in a positive direction:
Think of one person or thing in your life that you really love and appreciate. Vividly visualize what your life would be like if you lost that today. This can be a depressing exercise for a couple of minutes, but when you finish, it leaves you with a refreshed joy about your life’s small miracles.
Think of something that you’ve never tried, or rejected too quickly, because you don’t like the idea of it. Could it be possible that you just need to try it a few times (like my sushi)? If so, give it a go, and keep your expectations as neutral or positive as possible going into it. It might become your favorite thing in the world.
What are you longing for or craving at the moment? More money? A better job? A bigger house? Ambition is important but our minds are regularly misled by thoughts that happiness will come with the next step up. In reality, we adapt to the next steps as quickly as we adapted to our current steps. So write down at least three things you love about your life exactly as it stands right now, and bask in their warm joyous glow!
Surely nothing can be good about lockdown
Some circumstances are definitely more challenging than others, but adaptation is also a natural part of adjusting to lockdown life. We’re all developing new habits and expectations to make life at home bearable. During the most frustrating moments, we can also find the perspective to laugh at our predicament while realizing that we’re strong enough to live through it. Rather like the guy in the video I’ve linked below, I hope you can endure whatever chaos you’re going through with a calm smile on your face.
That final quote
Before the final quote today, I have a very special request: If you’re enjoying this newsletter and want to help it grow, please forward this email to just two friends who you think may also enjoy it. If you do, I will never ever take your help for granted!
Final words today are attributed to the French novelist, Marcel Proust:
“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
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Dr Erman Misirlisoy, PhD
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