💡 Remember the Small Things to Make People Feel Valued

New research demonstrates how simple social recollections enhance the quality of a conversation

We all want to feel valued in our relationships, whether personal or professional. A kind word, a thoughtful gesture—these are the things that help us feel appreciated.

Many of these gestures are easy to do and yet frequently overlooked.

A new study suggests that deliberately showing people you remember them—recalling and mentioning little details from past conversations—significantly enhances the perceived value of the interaction.

💬 The power of remembering in social interactions

In a recent study published in the British Journal of Psychology (February, 2025), researchers examined whether deliberately referencing past moments in a conversation would make people feel more valued.

Two key experiments—one in a professional setting and one in a social setting—produced consistent evidence on how this kind of memory display affects interactions.

Professional setting: Memory Display in Job Interviews
In this experiment, 54 participants played the role of an employer providing feedback to a job candidate they had to reject. The study tested two different approaches to rejection:

• Appreciation: This group was simply instructed to communicate that the candidate’s time was valued, without mentioning any specifics.

• Appreciation through specific recollections: This group was asked to explicitly recall details from the candidate’s interview while conveying their appreciation.

A separate set of 63 participants then acted as “evaluators” of the conversation, rating how much they believed the employer valued the interview.

The results were clear: employers who referenced specific details from the candidate’s interview were judged to value the interview more than those who used general expressions of appreciation.

However, despite its effectiveness, memory display was rarely used spontaneously—people acting as employers tended to default to general praise instead of demonstrating attentiveness through recall.

Social setting: Memory Display in Everyday Conversations
To see if the same effects held in a more casual setting, the researchers designed an experiment in which participants engaged in a structured “getting-to-know-you” conversation with a new acquaintance. Later, participants had to send a follow-up message reflecting on the interaction and their thoughts on their interaction partner.

Once again, participants were split into two groups: one group was told to show appreciation for their partner in their message, while the other group was more specifically told to show appreciation through specific recollections.

Independent evaluators then rated how much those participants valued their conversation, how much they liked their interaction partner, and how well they remembered their conversations, all based on their written messages.

The results mirrored those of the job interview experiment: referencing specific details from a conversation made people seem like they valued the conversation more and liked their interaction partners more.

Even in this friendly setting, people were not naturally inclined to express specific recollections to their interaction partner. They typically used memory display only when they were explicitly instructed to do so.

This research highlights a simple yet powerful tool for deepening relationships: use memory display to show people you remember the moments you spend with them. Whether in professional or personal settings, making a conscious effort to explicitly recall past interactions can go a long way in making others feel valued.

⭐️ Takeaway Tips

#1. Make a habit of noticing and memorizing details during conversations

• Pay attention to small but meaningful details in conversations, and make an effort to remember them rather than letting them go. Much of our ability to remember information simply comes down to whether we pay attention in the moment and whether we intend to remember what we hear. Whether it’s a friend’s upcoming life event or a colleague’s recent project, keeping in mind what they find important is likely to help you in future conversations.

#2. Don’t assume your friends know they matter—show them

• Instead of merely expressing joy or gratitude to friends and acquaintances, reinforce your appreciation by referring to specific things you remember about them. This signals that their words and experiences are important to you. People are happier in interactions when they realize their words are leaving a lasting impression.

#3. Use memory display in professional settings

• In work environments, deliberately recalling details from past meetings or conversations can signal attentiveness and appreciation. If you’re a manager, remembering a team member’s contribution to a project can make them feel more valued than generic praise. In rejection emails to job candidates, messages that reference specific details from the interview can also make people feel their time was valued despite the rejection.

“Things are revealed through the memories we have of them. Remembering a thing means seeing it—only then—for the first time.”

~ Cesare Pavese

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