š You Can Run but You Can't Hide
Why avoidance makes things worse
We all have some things weād rather not think about. But the less we want to think about something, the more it seems to pop into mind.
Trying to avoid or push away thoughts makes things worse over the long term. Thoughts continuously come and go, and trying to battle them is like trying to battle the ocean; you might jump over one wave but the next one is only a few moments away.
As Iāll explain, a more effective alternative to avoidance is acceptance.
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š The paradox of thought suppression
In a classic study published in the 80sācited more than 3000 timesāresearchers investigated what is now commonly known as the āwhite bear problemā. They gave a group of participants the following instructions:
āIn the next five minutes, please verbalize your thoughtsā¦ [but] try not to think of a white bear. Every time you say "white bear" or have "white bear" come to mind, though, please ring the bell on the table before youā
After the five minutes were over, people were free to think of white bears again but were told to keep reporting them with the bell for another five minutes. At this point, the researchers counted how many white bears people thought of and compared those numbers to a group of people who didnāt initially try to suppress the thought.
People were far more likely to think of white bears if they had previously tried to suppress them. In other words, thought suppression paradoxically strengthened an unwanted thought in peopleās minds.
As the graph I adapted below shows, people in the suppression group actually thought of more and more white bears over time. In contrast, thoughts of white bears rapidly approached extinction for the non-suppression group.
One theory explaining this strange effect is called āironic process theoryā. It suggests that whenever we try to suppress a thought, our brain does two things. First, it looks for any random thoughts to distract itself with. And secondāthis is the ironic bitāit regularly checks to make sure we havenāt accidentally started thinking about the thing weāre trying to avoid.
This background monitoring process is essential for detecting when we fail. But in this case, it ironically reminds us of the thought weāre suppressing and ends up reinforcing it. The reinforced thought is then more likely to surface spontaneously in our minds later on.
š° Do the things that scare you
Annoying thoughts arenāt the only thing we try to avoid. We also run away from activities that make us nervous.
Anxiety is often a sign that you care about something important. So avoiding activities that make you anxious may mean avoiding activities that are highly valuable to you.
Think of public speaking for example. Thereās a fear of public failure but thereās also the opportunity to boost your reputation and set yourself up for future success. Avoiding these kinds of activities prevents learning and closes off a chance to excel. It can also make anxiety worse over the long term. The diagrams I made below show what an avoidance cycle typically looks like:
Other smaller daily avoidances are unhealthy too. Procrastinating on a household task or work assignment is likely to make a problem worse over time, as is postponing a visit to the doctor or dentist out of anxiety.
By avoiding problems, you avoid solutions. You can escape cycles of growing anxiety by diving into healthy or productive activities without hesitation. You can then tackle unexpected challenges as they arise.
Similar to going for a swim in a cold pool, itās best to jump in. No need to prolong the discomfort by crawling in, and certainly no need to avoid the pool altogether and miss out on a moment of joy. Just rip the band-aid off.
One of the best things I ever did to reduce my social anxieties around public speaking was a 10-minute standup comedy set in a pub. My legs were literally shaking on the way up to the stage, but I left the stage feeling on top of the world, and Iāve been far less scared of public speaking ever since. Exposure therapy really works.
š Practicing acceptance
According to the evidence, the most successful strategies for taking control of your thinking involve one basic principle: acceptance. Instead of pushing away uncomfortable thoughts, you need to embrace them.
When you next have an intrusive thought (e.g. something youāre worried about or an annoying song stuck in your head), donāt push it away. Just let go and observe what your mind does with it.
Donāt fight negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, or anger. Negative emotions are important signals so pay close attention to them, but they also tend to stick around longer than theyāre useful. So when thereās no longer a problem to solve, acknowledge emotional sensations around your body without needing to judge or interpret what those sensations mean. Just like the white bears, negative emotions fade away sooner with acceptance than with avoidance.
If thereās an important task youāve been putting off, make time for it now. Procrastination is the enemy of progress, and boring or difficult tasks are rarely as boring or difficult as you imagined they would be.
š” A final quote
āAvoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.ā
~ Helen Keller
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Until next time,
Erman Misirlisoy, PhD
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